Confident or Cocky? Dare I say both?

Looking back upon the body of journalistic work I have amassed since donning a reporter’s hat in 2000, many an award-winning article has increased the size of my head. From photography awards in high school, writing awards when I started at NIC to my present Poynter Fellowship for design in 2009, I guess I have a reason to be confident.

However, as I take a step back and gander at all that I’ve done, I ultimately realize that while I may be climbing the peak of my journalistic potential, what have I seriously accomplished aside from gaining a cocky attitude and thus ostracizing those professionally near me? Indeed, my newsroom skills have come as a blessing, but it seems that in all aspects of my life I come across more cocky than confident, more egotistical than befriending.

Even as a mediocre co-ed softball player, I denounced the fact that I misread a flyball, but rather blame the late-inning error on my drunkenness.

I seem to always have an excuse.

Whether it’s a writer’s folly or a section editor’s mistake within The Sentinel, I dare not admit my own fault concerning the small failures within the Paper.

Or do I?

I seem to think that where I am most over-confident – cocky, asshole-like if you will – is also where I am most humble. Maybe, even in my humblest state, I am still overly cocky – and vice versa. For, I love recognition. I yearn for it. I have never been one to shy away from the spotlight. Yet when things run awry, I still seemingly appear at the center of said problem. When a writer of mine recently was called into question for his reporting, I instantly took full responsibility for letting the article be published. Did I do this because I honestly backed him up? Or was it because I wanted to be involved? Needless to say, every article that is published goes through me, and thus really is a reflection of what I think should be published: Thus a reflection of Jake Donahue. And so I think all things Sentinel-related are but a manifestation of what I hope for – whether I want it or not. Their successes, and more importantly their failures, should undoubtedly be attributed to me.

Nevertheless, I still fully believe that I am an overly-cocky individual. My family notices it when I become ruthless during Pictionary battles on Christmas Eve, or even during family softball games when I belittle my younger cousins for even the most mundane of errors. My girlfriend and her mom witnessed the wrath of my Pictionary ways during last Thanksgiving, and I can only admit that my recent recollections are but a response to my future wife’s concerns.

It may take some time, and it’s not going to be easy (by any means!), but I truly yearn to become a more humble individual. Whether it’s an accomplishment I relish after deciding NOT to run up the score over an opposing Little League team, a night where I succumb to the winning temptations of a holiday board game with my family, or even letting a guy on the freeway merge in front of me, I will work on becoming more humble.

I owe it to my girlfriend, to my family, to my present and future co-workers, but most importantly, to myself.